Jesus and I

Harvey Thomas was the spokesman of the British prime minister Margaret Thatcher at the time a bomb attack was committed on the hotel they stayed. Years later, Harvey forgave the man who tried to kill him and became friends with him.

“If this is all there is, then what’s the point?”

That describes how I felt about life as a young adult. My life lacked purpose and fulfillment. I just existed.

God has done so many great things in my life. He has helped me through tough times and answered so many prayers – even the small everyday things. At times when I have been greatly stressed I learnt to give all my worry over to him and as a result felt complete peace and joy in the midst of all that was going on – and that is simply incredible!

So, I was lying face down on my bed. It was about 4am, one night in my first year at university and I was feeling absolutely exhausted, but my heart was still pumping with the caffeine from red bull & pro plus.

Two weeks after the funeral I returned to The University for my second year. It wasn’t the same; I missed my dad. I spent my days feeling sad and then trying not to feel sad. Mostly I attempted this by drinking, comfort eating, skipping lectures and finding comfort in different relationships.

Dead. I wanted to be dead. I wanted Death’s arms to envelope me and take me from this life: a life full of pain, abuse, abandonment, disappointment, hatred; I didn’t want it anymore. Oh, sweet surrender! Come Death, come!

I used to go to church on my own regularly until my adolescence. But I felt alone in that church which was almost empty.I did not talk to anyone… And, when I was a young student, I discovered news things, not very beautiful ones, such as pornography…

At the age of 24 I had given up my life. The strong anti-depressants which I was taking since many years because of depression and anxiety, made out of me an empty shell of blood and flesh. As my trials to take my life stranded, I decided to go to Exit (an institution for euthanasia).