Jesus and I

It was at primary school, with my friends who went to Sunday school, I heard about God for the first time. I was more afraid than envy. Being young, I was afraid of the future and dark.

My greatest joy is to know God and be known and loved by him. But how is that possible? I mean… who can really know God?!

„Unfortunately, medicine is powerless in this case,” the professor businesslike explained my mother. „The disease will progress slowly, muscles will atrophy, and it will get hard to breathe… In short, get ready for the fact that your daughter will live 10, maybe 18 years…”

I struggled to find acceptance or to believe that I was good or lovable. I know that years of bitterness have caused me to forget any fun times I had at home, but now I can only remember the loneliness, the bitterness and the pain.

It was so hard to accept myself. I didn’t even notice how I became involved in a hunt after my value. I wanted to prove both – others and myself – how intelligent and beautiful I am. I started pursuing it by various activities, works and relationships with guys.

When I came home from Church that day, I was again beaten by my stepfather. After that beating my heart had enough. I looked straight up to God and said, “If this is my future… I don’t want your help. I don’t want anything to do with you.”

My school time was hard for me, I was bullied and hurt with words. People said bad things about my body structure, my look and my appearance. Often I came home from school and cried and spoke bad things over myself and my life.

In 2012, all changed… It began with a discomfort while I was at my office; I had this discomfort several times. So I went to the doctor who sent me to the E.R. I had a lot of tests for a week.

We were devastated. Having to tell our other two, young children about the loss of their little brother was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

I remember very little of what happened that evening, but the next thing I knew, I was sitting alone in a cold, lifeless police station cell, not knowing precisely why I was there, how long I’d be there for, and what was going to happen to me.