When I was a little girl, I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to be known, to be loved, to be admired. I wanted to be Mariah Carey! I have so many fantastic memories of dancing around my room singing into my hairbrush – never mind the fact that I couldn’t hold a tune.
I think that this theme continued into my adulthood, not so much the desire for stardom, but the desire to be known, loved and admired. I wanted to be accepted and acceptance in my mind was based on what other people thought of me. I strived to be the ‘well behaved student’, the ‘perfect daughter’, the ‘loyal friend’ and the ‘good Christian’, but it wasn’t enough. I was never satisfied. I was always disappointed in myself because I could never live up to my own expectations or the expectations of those around me.
I remember expressing this to my friend Tami. We were sitting in her conservatory enjoying a little bit of warmth from the winter sun and she shared with me her favourite verse. It’s from Psalm 139 and it says:
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful and I know that full well.”
This verse struck a chord in my heart, not because it was new to me but because I realised that I didn’t believe it. I had grown up in a Christian home and I knew and loved God. I believed through Jesus’ life, death and resurrection we could have a relationship with God. The thing is, while I always thought of that being true for humanity, but I had never taken the time to think about the implications of that for me personally. God created me, He loved me, He even liked me!
This conversation led to a journey of investigating what God had to say about me. I discovered the most amazing things and as I began to believe these truths about God my life began to change. I felt free to be myself, to take risks and not be as afraid of failing. I wasn’t as caught up in what other people thought of me because I already knew what God thought when he sees me. I wish I could say I always live my life with this attitude. It’s a constant struggle to choose to believe in God when he says that he delights in me. But when I do, I experience incredible freedom and joy.
I’m not the next Mariah Carey, that dream did not pan out (however I can hold a tune a little better now) but I am noticed, I am loved by the God of the universe. What more could a girl want?
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