To Live – by Holly

Dead. I wanted to be dead. I wanted Death’s arms to envelope me and take me from this life: a life full of pain, abuse, abandonment, disappointment, hatred; I didn’t want it anymore. Oh, sweet surrender! Come Death, come!

Death did not take me that September day. At 14, I was full of rage, turmoil, despair-broken from the “lot” I was handed in life. Frankly, it would have been a terrible way to die with no peace or fulfillment. After ingesting a large bottle of aspirin, I lay on my bed waiting for unconsciousness, eternal sleep, death…whatever to come over me. As I started to slip into a daze, my mom came in to check on me.

I didn’t want to tell her what I had done. I didn’t want her to try to save me. I was a problem to her, a burden. I wanted to tell that I was fine and go about her day. I was just going to sleep…and I would be gone in a few hours; I wouldn’t be her problem anymore. That’s what I wanted to say. Instead I heard myself tell her what I did, how I was trying to kill myself. It just came out, it wasn’t me, but the words came out of my mouth. The next thing I knew, I was in the car on the way to the emergency room.

It was there that I encountered Him. Don’t get me wrong- I knew all about Him, God. I grew up in the church, went to Sunday school since I was a toddler, sang “church” songs, prayed at meal times; all the things that go along with being a Christian. I knew the stories. I knew about Jesus and His sacrifice for all the sinners of the World. I knew John 3:16 that says how God so loved the world and gave His Son for all of us. If we believed, we would be saved. I was taught that God loves us like a father loves his children. My father didn’t love me. He walked out on us when I was younger. He abused me and my brother because we were adopted. His biological daughter was perfect in his eyes, so I would never be good enough for his love and affection. I would never measure up. If God loves us like a father loves his children, then He must be an unloving, abusive, angry father.

That night though, I met the Heavenly Father. In the aftermath of doctors and nurses giving me liquid charcoal, hooking me up to machines, asking me questions, calm came. And I met Him in that calm. He came in the form of my mother. I lived and believed for so long that no one loved me. I believed that I did not have a family. I believed that my life did not matter. I believed that I was not worth loving. I believed that no one wanted me.

There was a point in the 19 hours of detox in which I looked over at the woman I called mom. She chose me, adopted me, loved me as her own, raised me and my other two siblings as a single mom doing the best she could, and now she was sitting by my side after I tried to selfishly take my life. In this moment I heard God say, “You are loved. You are wanted, worthy of love. You have a family. I have given you all you need.”

After that night- I wanted to live. And not just exist, but to live; to experience the joy and peace that comes with knowing Jesus Christ. I wanted to live in the triumph of my Savior who conquered sin and death- and had forgiven me of all my trespasses. I wanted to live in the freedom Christ brings from our past, our fears and inadequacies. My road to healing was marked with victories and setbacks, but ultimately, it is a victory as I am here and I am living- truly living. I am loved, I am wanted, I am cherished, I am worth more than the even the birds of the sky. I have a Father who loves me, will not play favoritism and will be the Father that I have always needed and wanted. My journey continues and I am going to live because He gave me a reason to.

“For to me, tolive is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Holly

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11 Comments

  1. Debbie Polak on 14/05/2018 at 1:46 PM

    Great! Help us Lord who really try so hard to live a descent Godly live, with all the evil in this world. Please surround us with like-minded people. THANK YOU Jesus.net for all you do. May the Lord bless you all.

    Thank you,

    Debbie



  2. Patricia Folasa on 20/05/2018 at 7:44 PM

    Beautiful story.



  3. David on 08/03/2019 at 2:28 PM

    I believed that I was unwanted for as long as I can remember. I’m now 65 years old and believe in my head that I am and have always been wanted by God. I just need to get that knowledge from my head to my heart.
    Thanks for your story.



    • Antoinette on 08/04/2019 at 7:19 PM

      David I can relate to that. I’m now listening to a awesome teacher named Barry Bennett from Andrew Wommack Ministry. He’s teaching on “Revelation Knowledge “and it’s awesome. Look up Andrew Wommack Ministry online. You will be very blessed, I am!



    • Jerry Chenault on 21/04/2020 at 6:42 AM

      I’m not sure if I got to the right spot I have good news for everybody every time I have prayed to God and Jesus I got help unfortunately people won’t admit that but I look up everyday thank God for everything I’m called the agnostic Catholic but as I look around everybody forgot who God was and why Jesus gave his love



  4. Donna on 16/03/2019 at 9:30 AM

    Thank you for sharing your amazing story. God is beautiful, every second of every day. God Bless You!



    • Ann Atwood on 01/04/2019 at 11:17 AM

      I can so relate to Holly and other testimonies that I have just read.
      To continue to Know and Love Jesus
      is my True Hearts Desire. The battle is Real
      and The Desire is Stronger.



  5. Zubi Puente on 23/08/2019 at 4:36 AM

    This was such an wonderfully written story!
    Full of beauty, just as it is, and as you are.
    Thank you!
    ?



  6. Kimberly Cooper on 15/03/2020 at 8:14 AM

    I would like to know Jesus.net’s take on the Coronavirus.



  7. Brenda Tucker on 09/06/2020 at 3:27 PM

    I been asking God to send me someone who really knows him and wants to share his words with me all my life i have felt alone i cry asking God why won’t nobody love me like i love Jesus i try everyday so hard to change my way of thinking and ? for others and i end up hurting am i here for others to dislike me and talk about me i feel i don’t deserve that i am really a god fearing child and i am going to keep trying even when i want to give up so will someone please pray for me and my family thats where my pain is coming from most



  8. Wendy on 17/08/2020 at 6:01 PM

    Hi Brenda,

    My heart went out to you today. I’m new to this site and noticed you posted back in June. I don’t know what your day is like today. I hope you are well. It sounds like ,people including family , might be hurting you, whether it be for your past , present or something that they just don’t understand. I will pray for you that you will feel worthy of God’s love and let go of the regret and hurt that is holding you back. I will pray for the people around you to know the love of Jesus as well. I have gone through struggles in my lifetime and have dealt with much regret and hurt but realized that it was holding me back from being who Jesus wanted me to be. He is there when no one else is . He wants you to depend on him and trust in Him alone . For God so loved the World that He gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life John 3:16. I know many of us know this verse but Jesus died for the whole world and that includes you. He died for all our sins and all we need to do is ask forgiveness and ask Him to be our Savior. Trust Him and Praise Him in whatever walk of life you are in and His promises are true and He will be there. I will pray that you will have that Hope in Him. When the world is too much don’t look down in defeat ,Look up and pray to be all you can be for your Savior and pray for the people around you too even when it’s hard .

    Love in Christ