Battling the Little Black Raincloud: Grant’s Story
I go by many names. My kids call me “dad,” my friends just call me Grant, and you might know me as “the guy who writes A Miracle Every Day.”
But there was a time when other names defined me: low… forgotten… lost. I have struggled with depression, something many people can relate to. When I look back to that season I can say with confidence: God was with me. He saved me.
You are not alone either. My story tells of God’s goodness — it is the only story worth sharing! But I tell my story to encourage others with this truth. Here it is.
A little black rain cloud
For years, I battled a "little black rain cloud." I wouldn't have called it depression back then; I called it being "sad" or "blue." But in 2011, that cloud turned into a full-blown hurricane.
Ironically, it happened when our church was booming. I remember a conversation with a friend during that time. They said, “This growth is so amazing.” I smiled, but I thought, “Yeah, but I feel like I am dying.”
They said, “You must be so excited.” I smiled, but I thought, “Actually, I can’t breathe.”
They said, “Jesus is doing so much.” I nodded, but I thought, “I wouldn’t know, I’m not sure I know Him very well anymore.”
I walked backstage that morning, and for the first time, a thought entered my mind: I am dying, and I want to run away because this cloud is consuming me.
More, more, more
I can say it now—I was depressed, and I felt so unbelievably alone. I did what so many of us would do. I picked myself up by the spiritual bootstraps, and I prayed harder, and served harder, and ministered harder, and loved harder… But I felt darker.
I tried everything to shake that cloud, but it wouldn’t go away. I was stuck in silence because I bought into the stigma of depression, both inside and outside of the church. In the world, depression is often seen as a weakness. And I didn’t want to be seen as weak! That’s not what a pastor should be!
And in the church? Well, we often see depression as a lack of faith and smother it with platitudes: “Come on, God is good—all the time, God is good! I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart! Come on, Grant. Have more faith—believe harder!”
I bought into the stigma and believed the lie that I was in this all alone. I wasn’t alone, not at all, but that didn’t stop me from feeling that way then.
My “dark night of the soul” was a mix of things: stress, perfectionism, and the enemy whispering that I was a failure. A complete hurricane of contributors. Maybe yours is similar, or could be related to other things like a physical imbalance, a trauma, or just the long-term erosion of life.
God is with you
There are no “5 easy steps to be happy” that will “fix” depression. I can only offer my perspective on what helped me navigate the dark cloud and hope it encourages you on your journey to know that God has not left you alone in this.
First, I opened my soul to God’s restoration. I took seriously the words of the famous Psalm 23, “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.”
Second, I refused to isolate. Everything in me wanted to run away, but that’s also what the Enemy wants. He wants you alone and in despair. Don’t take that bait, but stay connected to God and to other good people who love you, including a counselor or mental health professional.
Then came the hardest part: I received the help. I prayed for God to help me, and He sent me a doctor and a prescription. I fought it for weeks until my wise wife said, “If you asked God for help and He sent a doctor, why are you trying to negotiate how the help arrives?”
Finally, I chose to rest. Did you know that the longest and most detailed commandment from God is the one about Sabbath and rest? So when my flesh said push, God said rest. When my heart said hide, God said connect.
If you’re in the grip of that cloud today, know this:
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You were bought with a price.
God isn't embarrassed by your humanness; He is empathizing with your pain.
Like David in Psalm 13:1, you might be asking, “How long, Lord?” But even in the dark, we can say: “I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.” (Psalm 13:5)
If you are experiencing depression, a low season, anxiety, or anything else, reach out to someone. It could be a friend, pastor, counselor, or us right here at Jesus.net. You can ask for prayer or ask a question anytime.
