After months of trying to fill my loneliness with all the wrong things, it caught up with me in a night of partying. I was weighed down with so much shame and was in disbelief at the person I looked at in the mirror. I felt helpless as I started to see that it was more than just the one night of mistakes. I knew that this person I’d become wasn’t me! Something big had to change.
“Madam, you have the choice for your baby : your baby dies in your sale, or his life will be very hard. There is no other way : his life is wretched”
I strived to be the ‘well behaved student’, the ‘perfect daughter’, the ‘loyal friend’ and the ‘good Christian’, but it wasn’t enough. I was never satisfied. I was always disappointed in myself because I could never live up to my own expectations or the expectations of those around me.
I remember one night specifically I was very upset about something, and I decided to text a friend. When I picked up my phone, I realized I had no one to text. I was filled with so much self pity, sadness, and loneliness, so I just started talking to God.
As I went from one meaningless adventure to the next I ended up on a bench by the river in Bristol city centre. I had never felt so alone in my life.
I fear that people can see right through me—can they see how depressed and lonely I feel inside, how completely helpless and overwhelmed I am, how anxious my every thought is.
Right around the age of 19, I then started having doubts. Do I only believe in God because my parents immunized faith into me? Does Jesus really exist?
The death of my grandmother was a real shock to me. For the first time in my life I started to think what would happen to me if I die.
It was at primary school, with my friends who went to Sunday school, I heard about God for the first time. I was more afraid than envy. Being young, I was afraid of the future and dark.